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Leeds 2000
"WE CAME, WE SAW, WE WENT HOME"
Rain. Rain. Rain, thunder. Rain... oh and some bands too. A weekend to remember and also forget in roughly equal parts. Mike had a nervous breakdown and recovered all in one day. Steve never recovered. It all began on...
Day 0 – Thursday.
After
a thoroughly uneventful train journey, apart from the vast
reversing of the train, Steve and Mike arrive at Leeds train
station at approximately Friday. After a short taxi journey with
a random woman who was somewhat worried by Steve, understandably,
Mike and Steve took in the glory that is Temple Newsam park - the
venue for Leeds 2000. After walking under the welcome banner it
was only another mile to the camp site. With arrival imminent,
Mike didn't start becoming nervous and did not fall over
hyperventilating. He didn't, honest. No really. Once they had
expertly lost the random woman at the wristband swapping place,
Steve and Mike headed for the campsite. Guided by the smoke and
shouts of 'Bollocks!' the campsite was easy to find. It was,
however, impossible to find a space to pitch the tent. Their luck
changed as they found a lovely patch of grass not too far from
the Portaloo's.
After discovering why the area was free they decided to pitch the
tent on the cow-pat and small thistle-bush-plant-thingy anyway.
The tent went up as tents usually do - with difficulty.
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Mike went to scout the area while Steve removed his eyes (or
contact lenses to everyone else), and skilfully avoided tripping
over more than thirteen guide ropes. After his return, the
intrepid explorers went to sleep, as all intrepid explorers do on
their first night at the Leeds festival.
Madness Song For
The Day - '4am'
Day
1 – Friday.
Rain and some more rain and
Flash!........... rumble. Mike and Steve awake at about 4am to
the sounds of heavy rain and a thunderstorm. People cheer
everytime lightning flashes and also when the generator that is
powering the lights on the site breaks down. Fortunately the
generator only does this 50 to 125,000 times a night.They go back
to sleep and awake in daylight to the sounds of light rain. Mike
spends the next 3 hours shouting at Steve for touching, or to put
it more accurately leaning, on the sides of the tent
"Aaargh! Wet patches!!" he screams.
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They venture out at noon as the rain gets heavier. Mike spends
£20 on a rather funky rain-coat, Steve gets wet. Mike and Steve
make the decision to spend a considerable amount of their limited
funds on CD's in the Record Fair tent. After returning to the
tent to hide their new purchases under the filth which has now
become their tent.
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They venture out towards the main area where things are actually
scheduled to happen. Once past the tip-top security, Mike and
Steve take in the splendour which is the main stage. Some bizarre
American band are on, hmmmm entertainment, that's what they are
looking for. Mike and Steve go for a wander around the rest of
the site while some crappy band is on and find a few things of
interest. Steve, now getting somewhat damp, chooses to fork out
£2 on a makeshift rain mac instead of wearing the bin bag coat
that Mike expertly made from a (shock, horror) bin bag. It's an
attractive, sleeveless, avante garde number made from white
plastic with no frills and a hood you could lose your friends in.
Low quality bands are watched. low quality food is eaten.
Something passing for water is drunk. The 2 now dry lads head for
the main stage, as one of the erm.. 'highlights' of the festival
is about to take place. Daphne & Celeste are on next. First
an explanation is needed. They have been added to the bill on a
day that features rock band A, rock band Blink182, rock band Rage
Against The Machine, and heavy-death-kill band Slipknot and other
rock bands. Daphne & Celeste specailaise in teenybopper shite
music. The crowd consists of people who hate them and people who
want them dead. With bottles in their hands Mike & Steve head
for the stage. Amidst a torrent of booing and flying bottles the
two brave girls take to the stage. Steve begins a chant of 'Fuck
Off!', Mike joins in, a few lads nearby join in too. Within 30
seconds the entire crowd is chanting 'Fuck Off!', this is
mentioned in NME and Steve is very proud of himself. Mike throws
a bottle at extreme pace, unfortunately his aim is slightly off
and it narrowly misses a rather surly security guard. Mike gets a
warning from the security bloke, who seems to be ignoring the
other 5,000 people throwing them too (some not empty). Steve's
bottle lands on the stage but unfortunately causes no damage to
either of the plucky young bitches who are expertly avoiding the
tons of shite building up around them. The fun can only last so
long and soon they are nought but a comical memory in the minds
of all who yelled abuse at them.
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Blink 182 are skilfully missed unknowingly while a hypnotist
convinces a strange few people that they have 11 fingers or that
all the audience are police officers while he smokes a spliff on
stage. Next sees the stars of our story go to watch 'Rage against
the machine'. Our stars watch 'Rage against the machine' for all
of a few moments before leaving in a cloud of
"Phtmppppp" noises. After more wandering, the real
entertainment begins, Slipknot. The music is loud and liked by
the impressionable youngsters at the front. The lead singer
invites the crowd to kill people, which doesn't happen
immediately. But it's all okay because next up is 'Placebo',
they'll save us from this rainy day. They don't. Literally
moments into the first song it rains heavier than it did in
biblical times. Mike and Steve run for cover in the Comedy Tent
avoiding the man building an ark and his wet-suit selling friend.
As 40,000 people pack in to a tent designed to hold 40, the comic
on stage thinks his act is actually working for a change. He
fails to notice the fact that it is raining so hard frogs are
putting up umbrella's. His act consists of 'funny' dancing and
then getting people out of the audience to do some 'funny'
dancing. He is booed off stage and tells the audience how great
he is normally, before leaving. The compere asks for a round of
applause for him but just gets a torrent of boos. The next act
'Charlie Chuck' takes to the stage. He talks bollocks. He talks
the kind of bollocks Mike and Steve can only dream of producing.
His jokes rarely have a punch-line. He is a genius. The crowd
love him. As Mike and Steve remove the tears of laughter from
their faces, they make their way back out into the rain.
Stereophonics are on. Mike and Steve go to bed. More rain. More
rain. Rain. Rain?
Madness Song For
The Day - 'In the Rain'
Day
2 – Saturday
Is that sun? Why...why...why I
think it is. Quick, get out the camera.
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We awake to baking hot sun. Fortunately it is shining directly on
Steve's side of the tent so Mike stays quite cool.
After much going in and out of the tent, Mike and Steve decide it
is time to make their way to the entertainment area. Rain gear is
optomistically abandoned in the tent as the pair head off to see
the first band of the day - JJ72.
Irish, threesome from Ireland. Mike knows one of the songs, Steve
knows none. Anyone fancy being converted? The singer is a bit
good and the music isn't bad either. Finally, a refreshing
alternative to crap bands. The band launch into a skin tingling
acoustic set leaving the crowd in silence.
Once the band have ended their set the two lads set off for a bit
of a wander before watching hard rockers Queens of the Stone Age,
or so they thought. As you can see from the picture the view was
spectacular.
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Steve could just see the top of the singers head.... wow!
Well, after that excitement the lads headed for the main stage
expecting to see Elastica. Unfortunately they had cancelled and
so Super Furry Animals were on the stage. They performed 'Ice
Hockey Hair' a song that Steve is quite fond of. Then they
launched into the most boring run of songs ever heard. A lot of
the crowd fell asleep. Some furry animals came on-stage at the
end. No-one cared.
Gomez are the next band on and are the first band of the weekend
that both guys want to see. Mike and Steve force, push and
machete their way to the front of the crowd. Gomez come on. They
throw a large number of inflatable guitars and stuff into the
crowd. Confusion reigns. Steve falls over. A fat man stands on
his knee. Steve is in agony as a rather sickening sound crunches
its way out from his leg. Mike and a few other people help him to
his feet and as Mike watches Gomez, Steve limps his way out of
the masses. Miracolously the knee has stopped hurting and for
some reason a long-running ligament problem has sorted itself
out. Mike is somewhere in the crowd at the front and Steve is all
on his own... aaaahh. Steve works his way to the front, but at
the left hand side of the stage in front of a large stack of
speakers. Mike on the other hand was getting squished rather
brutally at the front and chatting to some random Beck fan who is
presently throwing cups of water at women with pink hair.
As Beck continues it all gets a bit silly. On stage the encore
dissolves into people running around dragging surgical drips
while Beck covers the stage in yellow tape.
Next - long wait and on comes pulp. Mike takes a few photos which
come out as a black mess then abandons the crowd for the safe
haven of the noodle stand. Steve on the other hand remains where
he is. After a few minutes of the first track it starts to rain.
Steve and Mike have both left their rain gear in the tent. Oh
Dear.
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Steve decides to stay and watch Pulp, Mike stays in the refuge of
the Noodle Stand. Jarvis Cocker (lead singer with Pulp) pours a
bottle of water over himself to make everyone feel better. After
a storming set by Pulp the lads meet up at the fabled noodle
stand and head back to the tent. They see a frog on the way back
which is always a good indication that the weather is more than a
touch damp. For some reason everyone on the campsite is shouting
out names of celebrities and advert slogans. Mike shouts 'Jim
Bowen' and 'Sammy Davis-Junior'. Steve goes for the 'Calgon'
theme and has an argument with the guy in the next tent as in the
Malibu advert ('you are three minutes late! etc.')
Madness song for
the day - 'The Sun and the Rain'
Day
3 – Sunday
More sun. Mike is so shocked he almost forgets
to wear a bra, Steve has natural 'lift'. After a while spent in
the tent the lads head for the cash machine.
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HSBC have decided to provide 1 (thats ONE) cash machine for
approx. 50,000 people. The queue is very long. In fact its very,
very long. Steve attempts to make a phone call to his girlfriend,
who surprisingly is still his gir;lfriend even though it's her
birthday and he's at Leeds and sharing his tent with someone who
fortunately would not be mistaken for his girlfriend (Boy would
that have been a surprise in the night). The terrible twosome
head off to watch Doves. Steve watches Doves. They are the main
reason Steve is at the festival and he is not disappointed. Mike
feels icky and goes to crash near the Noodle stand (The noodle
stand again?)
Doves pass with only a small amount of incident before Mike and
Steve go for another wander. They return just in time to see the
end of Boss Hog (Hmmmm, different) and go to find a nice grassy
area to relax on while Limp Bizkit do 'thar thang'.
Limp Bizkit do 'thar thang' and collect the award for most
extravagant publicity stunt by firing vast amounts of silvery
bits into the air at the front of the stage. Mike stands up and
takes a picture before it all dissapears. Mike sits down, waits a
long time and decides to take another picture as the silvery bits
do not seem to be stopping.
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The pair chill while The Bluetones are on. Food is involved and
Mike only throws most of his chips as he sits down. Steve laughs
at Mike as he nibbles on his noodles. (Yes! From the noodle van).
Mikes band for the festival - Foo Fighters - are on next. Mike
drags Steve down and everyone bounces excitedly at Dave Grohl's
appearance. After a few songs Dave Grohl burps down the mike. The
crowd cheers. The feat is repeated later but he is told off
sternly by one of the PA guys. By the end of the set, the crowd
are 'pumpin''. The band play on past their deadline. The
electrics are cut. No one cares. The drummer drums, the
guitarists strum and Dave Grohl and the crowd sing at the top of
their voices. Aaaah. brings a tear to your eye.
Ooo, Primal Scream next. Mike and Steve walk in the opposite
direction because Steve needs to phone his bird...
Steve has been going out with Jenny for 2 and a half years. He
was not present for her 18th birthday (which is a day before his)
because he was at the Reading festival. Now on her 20th birthday
Steve is at another festival. Why she hasn't dumped him is
anyone's guess. Maybe its because of his natural 'lift', who
knows. He manages to say 'Hello and Happy Birthday' before the
phone cuts out.
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After this Steve and Mike catch the end of Primal Scream and then
find a place to view the legendary Oasis. The set is pretty good
and includes some standard Gallagher arguing, good stuff. The guy
stood in front of Mike is happily pogo-ing along to the faster
numbers, it is rather worrying that he also pogo's at break-neck
speed to 'Live Forever' and waves his arms around like a windmill
with hiccups.
The lads head back to the campsite and hope for a good nights
rest. It doesn't happen. A full scale riot breaks loose involving
some explosions, fires and general shoutiness. Steve jokingly
says something about it being funny if there were no portaloos
left because they had all been burnt.
Madness Song For
The Day - 'Nutty Theme'
Day 4 –
Monday
The lads leave the tent to find
that all the portaloos have been burnt. Newspaper reports later
show what our intrepid festival-goers slept through (see
picture). A short train journey later and they are back home
having a shower. Not together, obviously, no. NO. Never. NO.
Sleep in a tent together, yes.
Madness Song For
The Day - 'In The City'
